Calming the aggressor

All of the above factors will help to present a calm demeanour and show interest in the angry person and their situation. This in itself may help to start to calm them down as they can tell that you are actively listening and no longer feel that they have to shout.

It can also have the effect of calming the person down by ‘mirroring’ or adopting a similar position to the other person. If our behaviour is calming and posing no threat or challenge then they also tend to relax a little and calm down.

Other things that you can do to calm the person down include:
• Talking – encourage them to keep talking. This may simply involve continuing as above to demonstrate that you are actively listening. Nod your head or prompt them verbally to expand further on the problem; this may involve asking them questions or asking them to explain.

• Listening – to their complaint/grievance as you will need to know all the facts or their perception of events. Listen to the emotions behind the complaint, what they are feeling. Note anything they say about their intentions.

• Hearing them out – do not try and hurry the conversation. Listen for as long as necessary, ensuring that they have the time and opportunity to say what they need to say. Do not try to draw conclusions yet.

• Watching – pay attention to both their verbal and non-verbal behaviour. Have their facial muscles relaxed? Is their body posture less confrontational? Are they breathing steadier? Has their voice lowered? These are some examples of evidence that they are calming down.

• Resisting arguing – do not try to challenge what the person is saying even if you know they are wrong. This will only serve to continue the conflict, or even escalate it, rather than defusing the situation.

• Being yourself – often angry people will verbally lash out at the nearest representative of the organization regardless of whether they have the responsibility for the problem or the authority to deal with it. Try and let them know who YOU are. Introduce yourself by name – try to convey yourself as an individual – not just ‘one of them’. When things have calmed down sufficiently you can then explain your position and whether you or another member of staff are in a position to deal effectively with the problem.

• Remaining calm – don’t be drawn into arguing back as this tends to make matters worse.